The
crap has hit the fan. Along with it much
pee has flown in the country. Nay, Nay don’t get me wrong. It is not about
Anna or Baba refusing to pee or deliver the crap for the day to show solidarity
with millions of poor Indian women suffering silently with cultivated constipation
because they did not get an opportunity before dawn to relieve themselves on
the roadside. Neither it is about millions of poor Indian men, peeing straight
on a wall or a bush in the open. Oops!!
Sorry, for bracketing them in the category of “ Poor”. They each spend a day Rs
28 for all their worldly needs and how
dare I call them poor. Apologies for my ignorance.
Back
to the issue of crap and pee of the
privileged few that has raised much stink recently. This is about our august
body, the Planning Commission and its
honorable Vice Chairman defending the “renovation of 2 toilets” ( actually they are 2 wash rooms )
in the Planning Commission’s office at a cost of 3 million rupees. And of
course, precautions need to be taken to prevent other less privileged mortals
in the same building from even having a look at these swanky places. So another
half-a-million is spent to install access control and issue smart cards for
just 60 of the privileged elite. All this info unfortunately had to be shared
by the Planning Commission because of one
Right To Information ( RTI ) activist thumbing his nose into the crappy
affairs of the Planning Commission. What a shame!. The government must
immediately invoke the Official Secrets Act
enacted by the Mughal ruler,
Babar or the most recent one enacted for India by the British just 200 years
back to punish any one who thumbs his nose into the smelly affairs of the
privileged bureaucracy.
Since
no such act has been extended for the matter in debate by the government, reams
and reams are allocated for condemnation in print media and panelists of all hues in
visual media are just having a verbal diarrhea. What nonsense. These journalists
and commentators seem to have no sense of understanding of how important it is
to have classy swank loos and crap pots
in office, with Italian marble, Brazilian mirrors, best of the class faucets
and fragrant toilet rolls.
However,
we need not despair. Even though our intelligentsia and common men decried the
need for such an extravaganza, our intelligent politicians immediately grasped
the need for such essential items. So the Union Cabinet which met for the first
time after the revelations on renovation, relegated all unimportant matters
such as falling industrial output, currency slide, massive fuel price hike,
economy in doldrums and discussed about the farsighted vision and approach to
loos and crap pots of the Planning Commission in general and the Vice Chairman Dr.Montek
in particular. Let us not be surprised if our parliamentarians in unison vote for adding such swanky facilities in
their quarters next parliament session
like they did every time to hike their pay and allowances.
The
RTI activist, apart from bringing out into open the indulgence of Dr Montek and
the importance he gives to luxurious way of peeing to discharge his duties, has
also solved the mystery and perplexing declaration of the Planning Commission a
few weeks back in declaring that anyone spending Rs 28 ( close to half a
dollar) a day for every need is above the poverty line. Dr. Montek has very vigourously defended this
decision and here could be the reason.
During
May and October 2011, Dr Montek made several
overseas trips, 18 nights, at a cost of 3.5 million rupees public
money. During these trips, while crapping in the luxury of 5 star
hotels, he realized that if India has to progress it should start with
modernizing the most basic infrastructure, the toilets. He has fairly succeeded
in this field, judging by the curiosity
and envy it generated amongst our cabinet ministers. One day recently when he
has finished filling the newly installed crap pot in his office, tickled by the
jet of water from the health faucet auto cleaning his arse, his brain cells
became hyper active and he started seriously thinking on how to reduce poverty
in the country. As he was drying his
arse with the scented satin smooth toilet paper, the revelation struck him. Like Buddha after enlightenment, Dr Montek’s
face radiated a serenity never seen before. With a contended smile, he adjusted
his neck tie in the Brazilian mirror, smoothened the creases of his 3-piece
Armani suit, looked around him at the toilet, grunted in satisfaction and
called for a meeting of the Planning Commission the next day to discuss the
vexatious issue of poverty. Each member in no time trooped into the wash
room. While peeing, Dr Montek in earnest
talked about the imperative need to bring millions of Indians above the poverty
line. Every member agreed with a vigorous shake. Looking at the members, with a benign smile Dr
Montek shared with them his brilliant idea of pegging the amount an Indian
spends a day for all his needs at a certain threshold to move him from Below
the Poverty Line. But no one could come out with the monetary number required
for the poor for a day to survive. After much deliberation, the members agreed
that the amount will be the same as the number of loo and crap pots in the
renovated wash rooms. There were 28 of them. Hence, it was declared that from
now on those spending Rs 28 a day would no longer be treated as poor in India. With one gesture, more than 300 million
Indians were rescued from abject poverty.
A
few days later, the Union Government announced a major sop to the Now-No-Longer-Poor
Indians. It has raised the subsidy from Rs 8,500 to Rs 10,000 for construction
of toilets in their “ homes”.
A
few weeks later, the Prime Minister has called for all Government agencies to
tighten the belt. No, No not after crapping. The call was to bring in austerity
at all levels.
India
might lack in several things but never in humour.
